i fled alaska in search of warmer weather (and a deponent), but it just followed me to the midwest.
before i get into the long story of Murphy, his #(*$(&#_ laws, and my flight schedule, let me first tell you that one of my favorite artists is Pablo Picasso. in particular, i love his blue period. love might be an understatement, i would cover the walls of the house with it, hibernate in it, mourn in it, and generally have a totally overblown emo-reaction to it. i get lost in brush strokes, blending techniques, and line/structure.
anyways. the point of this blog is actually the story of how much i hate both American Airlines and United. I should have known the whole trip was going to go sideways on me when i arrived at the anchorage airport and discovered a troop of 6-10 year old cheerleaders and their yoga-pant wearing, leopard print carry-on dragging mothers at my gate. Flight number one was therefore a red eye with screaming mothers and their terrible daughters.
gratefully, flight two passed uneventfully. i spent the weekend in chicago, soaking up the city, breathing in all those things i talked about above that fill me with life, joy and creativity. the last night i went to check in to my flight to wichita and discovered that i didn't have a flight to wichita. i had a flight to tulsa. ok. great. except i don't want to go to tulsa and i had a flight to wichita two days before. so i call american. i'm on hold for half an hour which they sort out what happened. seriously. they keep coming on every five minutes to tell me they are working on it. you know its bad when it takes half an hour to sort out and when they come back they tell you that you will just have two departures and they will sort it out at the airport. great.
flight three: didn't exist, then did, just grateful it took off....since every flight after it out of o'hare got delayed by HOURS. See, the thing is that i forgot that wichita is in kansas and it is FLAT there. Flat, but warm the first day i am in town--i run around in a t-shirt and work from my hotel room. Day two a huge storm front comes through "winter storm wanda" and my 70 degree weather drops 30 degrees in an hour.
its mid day tuesday, so i decide to reconfirm my early flight out the next morning--its bright and early so that i can get back into anchorage at a decent hour. only, when i log in, i don't have a flight from wichita anymore. i only have a flight from chicago to anchorage. Yup. that's right. they somehow deleted my flight out. Back on the phone with American--this time it only takes 25 minutes to sort it out. Flight four, fail number one.
Remember that winter storm, here we go.....By the time i am done with the deposition Tuesday evening and trying to eat dinner, flight four blows up AGAIN. my 6am flight out is cancelled--bring on the ice storm. i'm in applebees, on the phone with American again....and yes, its another an hour. no more direct flight home, we are going through Chicago (we=me and my new attitude problem). Flight four, fail number two.
Flash forward to the next morning, Wed. at 7am. Beep Beep goes the phone. Flight four, fail number three. DELAY sufficient to miss the flight to Anchorage. So, its early, i call American again. Here's where i get really angry. After holding for half an hour, someone comes on, gets all my information, and the decides my itinerary is too complicated and throws me to the back of the queue. Not even kidding. so i hold, the next person comes on, and it happens again, she throws me to the back of the queue after hearing where i'm going. the coversation went "hold one second for me....*music* thank you for calling American Airlines, your call will be answered in the order it was received in roughly 45 minutes". HOLY #)(*&$#)$, are you kidding me?!?! i am livid.
so i get in the car (once i remove the layer of ice off it with my credit card, swearing the whole time) and drive to the airport (still swearing), where i manage to abandon my cell phone and gloves at the rental car desk for half an hour (panicked swearing). anyways, i finally get up to the counter and the lovely girl there (i mean this, she is the only part of American that doesn't suck) reworked my flights and hooked me up with first class from minneapolis home. oh yeah, now the route is dallas minneapolis anchorage. I breathe for the first time in hours and go to find food (swearing ceases and i return to polite ma'am-ing of people). two hours later phone goes BEEP BEEP. Flight four, fail four. Back to the ticket counter where some asshole guy cops an attitude with me--wrong thing to do. i explain in no uncertain terms that i don't care how he does it, but that i was done flying american and he needed to get me out of there NOW. AND, just so we are clear, i don't give a shit about the weather, i get that delays happen, what i have a problem with is the incredibly awful customer service of american airlines. Sure enough, United to Denver and then anchorage direct. Okay. flight four might happen after all.
I'm going to fast forward through the delay, some guy's oxygen tank beeping like a mack truck backing up for twenty minutes, some guy on the plane making fart noises at a baby for another twenty minutes, and people singing barney and just tell you that i made it to Denver, where i have never been more grateful to see an airport with more than 5 gates. I eat a yummy dinner at some french place. I head to the gate and the flight is boarding, all seems to be going well. i get in line and then the inevitable happens. "ladies and gentlemen on the flight to anchorage, we do not seem to have a captain for this flight. We are going to postpone boarding while we sort this out." Flight five, mini-fail. how do you not have a pilot? seriously? two hours later, United locates a captain and i am finally on my way home, praying to God, Satan, Barbie, anyone, that the plane doesn't crash.
i can say with absolute sincerity, i have never been happier to arrive in anchorage. ever. Also, i now have two travel rules: 1. NO AMERICAN AIRLINES. 2. NO MIDWEST EVER AGAIN.
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