I'm glad he still loves me because I am a creature obsessed. I am obsessed with compulsively checking my email (even on sunday) to see if the job Gods have shined down on me and given me interviews (2 real, 2 informational so far). The reason this is silly is that my phone beeps whenever there's an email---so there's no reason to sit like a crazy person clicking refresh. In between clicks, I spend the better part of the day repeating this mantra: "Dear God, i've been really good lately--i'm swearing less, been quitted smoking for almost two years, and haven't made anyone cry in a long time, so, please please please, let these people in Alaska like me and at least be willing to have me interview." Adam likes to point out the futility of bargaining with the universe, but since I think his karma bank is fuller than mine, I'm going to stick to pretending the universe's job market is a souk that I can barter my way in/out of.
photo credit: t. mickler
Actually, the real problem is more basic. I am, all my ladies put your hands up, an independant woman. I have made my own money for a long time. I work hard. I pay my credit cards off monthly, put some dinero in savings, bills are always paid and I can comforatbly buy baby toys for my bff's still as yet unseen daughter or naughty gifts for my high school roommate's wedding. These student loans for law school are a nasty thorn in my side, but one I realize I would have been hard pressed to get around.
So here it is: The idea of being without employment or insurance FREAKS ME OUT.
I want to feel like a responsible grown-up who can hold her own and contribute evenly to our marriage. I crave the security of knowing that if i can manage to pass the bar then there will be a job with my name on it. Now, if you would all please join me in repeating my mantra changing the I-whatevers to Mar-whatevers, I will be eternally grateful and you can come stay in Anchorage anytime to look for mooses.
And speaking of Obession---here's one of my favorite bachata songs by Aventura.
I understand how you feel and will pelt the universe with incantations on your behalf!
ReplyDeleteJust remember to relax a little, don't want you to lose any hair before your wedding. This is test of trust, patience and change. You have always adapted well. None the less, you are in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteIs that a candy apple?
ReplyDeletei_feel_your_pain.
ReplyDeletei pretty much sit around daily gritting my teeth thinking dear jeebus please let me finally get a job after this. pleasepleasepleaseplease.
i'll throw your name into my mantras.
big love