gratitude, disappointment, and tea...not in that order

It is 9:30am. I am sitting at my desk at work sipping a cup of orange tea, glaring at it and mulling over how pissed off i am to be eating and drinking again during the day. There is a magic number in my life. It is the first three digit number and when i stand on a scale and weigh less than that, I can't keep up the pretense that my body allows fasting without complications. This rule has been in place since one of my doctors laid down the law when i was 21. Some years are better than others. It seems trying to stay warm in cold climes requires a higher caloric intake than I have been managing for the last two weeks. Seriously though, i read the boxes--the brownies, fruit loops and mangoes are supposed to be high in calories.

So, i'm disappointed at the yummy tea, at the lost 5 pounds that make all the difference, at my inability to spell disappointed on the first try each time, and at what i feel is my own personal failure at being unable to rise above the test of being attached to the material world. I love the feeling of empty that fills you so that your soul gets to fly freely around, soaring and peaceful. My family likes to say that perhaps my test is the opposite. I am forced to acknowledge the physical requirements of my body and find a way to make them sync with the rest of my life. I end up writing about this every year, because clearly i don't learn lessons the first time and keep trying to make it through with the same ignorance of myself/my stomach that lands me here two weeks in every time.

i guess i haven't really got to the gratitude part of this. there are a lot of things i am thankful for. too many to list here really. but mostly i am grateful for the overwhelming amount of love and support from those in my life. i am grateful for honesty about struggles, fears, passions, and successes.