Wednesday, October 7, 2009

5/6th and reviewing

This last year has been about letting go of addictions. I think i subconciously figured that since i am about to leave the 20s behind i should let a few other things go along their own way too. so here they are:

1. cigarettes.
I had a love affair with my little cancer sticks. they were my go to, stand by, make everything alright buddy for the better part of 14 years. at the height of it, i was a two pack a day smoker---lighting up everytime someone around me took a drink or did some illegal drug. they were my excuse, my safeguard. i tried to quit in 2001ish by going on Zyban. Unfortunately, it had a whole series of side effects--heart palapatations, halluginations, and general lab-rat on speed issues. after that, my efforts became less intense. 3 weeks here, 3 weeks there. no such luck really. anyways, i finally quit through a program at work--had a quit coach who enthusiastically called and was so positive that i hated him---so i quit smoking (in the middle of finals) just because i didn't want to talk to him anymore.

2. he-who-shall-not-be-named
five years of off and on--growing intensity everytime. wow. how did i not realize that addiction when i was in the middle of it. the highs were really high. the lows i spent miserable and in tears. in the end all it comes down to is: that i am absolutely sorry for having hurt him so much and absolutely not sorry i love(d) him and absolutely not sorry that i finally walked away. i'm sure it was right for both of us. it was an abusive cycle---and i appreciate experiencing it not only because i truly believe he is a great man (just not great with me), but also for teaching me why so many other women stay. i didn't understand before. i get it now.

3. biting my fingernails (somewhere, my mom and quddus jump up and down cheering)
yeah...not sure how this one---the most recent--occurred. i ripped off a set of acrylics--yeah, ouch--and then painted nail stregthener on the pathetic flimpsy, wax paper like things below. somehow they survived.

i could go into a long metaphorical thing about how i feel like the nails are really just a metaphor for me in all this---the first two things on this list left me super flimsy, perpetually on the edge of breaking. luckily, i've had some people bolstering me the whole way along and it looks like i might just make it to 30 most addiction free.

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